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July 27 remodeled memoriestoday i visited my alma mater, balding walrus college.
man what an emotional upchuck that ended up being. wasn't too prepared for the onslaught of reminiscence and pain that resulted.
b-dubs has changed a few of the key places around on me. sure, a few of the halls and rooms that the mundane made precious for me remain, but in the rest... different wallpaper and paint, some spackle to fix those cracks that i memorized so many years ago.
and i know that they should do those things, they need to update the rooms and all that, but did they have to do it while i am still living? i mean, the college has buildings and rooms which have gone largely unchanged for decades. why did they have to change those things? remodel those rooms? why did they have to change around the room where i first met neuroses 1?
why did they take out the old drinking fountain and slate floor of the hallway where we first spoke to each other?
it was after class. she handed me her notebook (blue, i think) and asked if i wanted to review her notes before the test. back to the wall with that ridiculously big bulletin board, shaggy with ads, posters and i think a flyer for laundry washing stapled all over it. her converse each framed by grey green slate tiles and dirty grout lines of that ancient floor.
at least i think that's what kind of floor it was. now i can't check to make certain. i can't see it to replay the memory accurately.
like in eternal sunshine, i feel as if someone is deliberately erasing my memories and making them benign, antiseptic.
i spent the last ten years learning to forget what is now being forcibly removed. what's more, all that quelling has gone out the window in one lazy trip through the newly renovated carnegie hall.
ah well, maybe it's for the best. i mean, what would she think of this rumination anyway?
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